The Jade Monkey

I didn't have a superiority complex until inferior people gave me one.

Location: San Antonio, Texas, United States


Ukraine, Ikraine, Weallkraine For Icekraine

Well, I thought (briefly) that would be a more creative title than "More Ukraine."

Yesterday the Parliament declared the elections invalid. There is talk of separation. I still don't know how valid the claims of vote fraud are, and I think that with a nearly 3% lead in the count, Yanukovich's lead could possibly be beyond the threshhold of being tipped by fraud, but with a relatively corrupt process it may not be, and these eye-opening allegations, if true, certainly would seem to indicate such a level of corruption.

I'm fascinated by the story either way. I'm also not sure there is an easy - or a good - solution to this. A pro-western democracy would certainly seem most desirable. But are heightened tensions with Russia worth that? Then again, is it reasonable to weigh that as a factor when we rightly ignored France's indignant squawking and upturned nose as we went about the business of freeing the Afghan and Iraqi peoples - a population equal to that of Ukraine? Admittedly, I don't think Ukraine under Yanukovich is comparable to Afghanistan under the Taliban or Iraq under Saddam, but there are potentially ominous signs, and bad situations usually occur when not-so-bad situations are tolerated first.

So I'll wait on tomorrow's court hearing, and then wait some more to see the long-term consequences of the decision, no less conflicted about the implications of either viktor (sic), even while the court's ruling may clear the picture on who the legitimate one is.

Eyewitness to Propaganda

Let me begin by saying this: I like Tom Brokaw; I think he is by far the best and least biased of the three major network newsanchors (that said I'd take Brit Hume over all three of them together any day of the week).

But Friday's retrospective, "Eyewitness to History", was slanted, to say the least, in terms of the topics it covered and the amount of time devoted to those topics. He spent more time talking about AIDS than 9/11 ferchrissakes. Don't get me wrong; it is not that I feel AIDS isn't an important issue, nor is it that I fail to realize that 9/11 is a more 'recent' event and has been covered by a vast - and deserved - deluge of journalism, and thus, under one reasonable way of thinking, could be evoked more fully in less time. Nor do I doubt AIDS is a compelling human interest story. But are the lives of 9/11 survivors and victims any less so? Can anyone seriously argue that there is any story more important in our recent history, in either a geopolitical or a symbolic way, than the attacks of 9/11 and the resultant War on Terror?

He gave the Civil Rights movement due coverage, perhaps the only 'event' in his tenure I would consider to be as important, although on the domestic front, not the global. One could certainly say that the fall of the Berlin Wall is something of an equal, but even though Brokaw did spend a little time on the subject, he managed to withhold Reagan's powerful "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!", for so many the quintessential crystalization of the moment itself and of the victory of democratic capitalism over totalitarian communism in its entirety, until after the commercial break dividing the segment, leaving the impression he would ignore it completely, much to my disbelief. The fact that he deigned to include it eventually did little to mitigate burying it in the first place. Still he gave more attention to it than to 9/11, and how anyone who was a witness to both events could not only not give them at least equal rank, but not even see the parallels to that struggle and the one we currently find ourselves engaged in, is beyond me, especially when that 'anyone' can praise the Greatest Generation and it's defeat of Nazi Germany and yet condemn the direct heirs of that Generation, who defeated Soviet Communism and now combat Islamic Fascism.

And even if one did say 9/11 wasn't as important, and wasn't analogous, could that same person, even in the short time given it, fail to mention even once the efforts of President Bush in wake of the tragedy? Yet Brokaw managed to do just that. In fact, the only time he mentioned Bush at all was in relation to the 2000 election - complete, as all leftist hit pieces should be, with the myth that it was decided by the Supreme Court - with the snippy quote, "[Bill Clinton]'s not going to be president on January 20, I am."

Nor did he once, in the extraordinary length of time devoted to the AIDS crisis, mention the unprecedented amount of aid the Mysteriously Absent Mr. Bush has given to fighting the disease in Africa, a commitment for which the singer Bono, no fan of the President's on other issues, has praised him.

No, he decided to focus on AIDS, on Watergate, on the vindication of Clinton's escapades and the vilification of his Republican oppressors, on Vietnam (with the thinly veiled attempt to cast Iraq in the same light which all leftists attempt; an attempt magnified by the highlight of a mere 2 wounded in one battle during Desert Storm, but thwarted somewhat by the admission of the enormous cost of Vietnam - no doubt a symptom of the muddled desire to at once demonize the Vietnam war effort and compare it to the current war in Iraq, despite the latter's vastly smaller toll), and on gloating about how he knew Iraq wouldn't be as easy as some thought (we'll ignore for the moment how distasteful gloating about the deaths of our men and women in uniform is in favor of pointing out another favorite tactic of the left, which is to attribute to the Bush administration the position that Iraq would be a cakewalk, despite it's repeated insistance that it would be a difficult but worthwhile struggle that would take time and sacrifice. The only people who thought war would be short or bloodless, it seems, are the leftists themselves, or at least the cartoonish, chimerical representations they like to set up of the administration).

Perhaps, given the media's penchant for editorializing current events even more than it does history, I should be thankful every mother's advice that "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" was followed for the most part.

Nevertheless, I expected better from you, Mr. Brokaw.



If you're a Survivor fan, you had to love last night's episode. The challenges were rather lame (family visit challenge is always a big weepy timesuck, but it's bearable if there's at least an interesting challenge or interesting family member - we got a marginally interesting family member in Eliza's mom, but the challenge was awful and the IC involving the loved ones wasn't much better), but it is so rare in this game that people take the opportunity to change their fates when they have it. You have to love seeing people who can't stand each other (Scout and Twila vs. Eliza) team up. You have to love the arrogant one (feminazi Ami) getting her smug smirk wiped off her face (only thing better would have been her not having immunity and getting the boot instead of Leann). The only comparable examples are the fall of the Rotu 4 in Marquesas and perhaps Sandra's victory in Pearl Islands. In every other iteration, the sheep have meekly accepted their fates, despite the anguished screams of millions of viewers to "DO SOMETHING!"

I think Scout and Twila have basically killed any chance they have of winning now, unless they are facing each other, though, because they stabbed the guys in the back and now the other girls (they might have a chance against Eliza, but I'd call it a tossup). I couldn't stand Eliza early on, and have not cared much for Scout in the past, but at this point I would be happy to see any of this new 4-person alliance win.

I predicted long ago that Eliza would be the last of the women standing (though I envisioned an opposite scenario, where the men greatly outnumbered the women, and her being in Chris' place, and that it would be because she teamed up with the guys against the women who hated her), and that's still looking like a decent bet, although it could easily be Twila at this point (if Chris wins the final IC, I think he, like the rest of the men, likes Twila the best, but would that be a motivating factor to take her to the F2 or to not do so? I doubt even she could get Lea and Chad's vote over Chris, so it may not matter). I also predicted a man would win this season (though it was more of a Vanuatu/Fire/Male thing to balance the Amazon/Water/Woman thing, with no real objective basis) and that would leave Chris as my projected winner at this point. That still seems at best a tossup, but nowhere near as much of a reach as it did before last night.

One other curious note is that Julie is the only remaining contestant that pre-season boot list spoilers didn't place in the jury. Which may mean she somehow survives the new turn of events (by going on a Kelly W. or Darrah type immunity run) and lands in the final 2 - still not in the jury. Another scenario under which this could occur is Scout and Twila trying to ditch Eliza yet again after booting Ami next week by teaming with Julie (or even just Chris), but Julie tells Eliza and J/E/C boot S/T. Julie's then in the F3 and just needs to win the final IC to make F2.

My best guess as to how the final 6 shake down: (next out) Ami, Julie, Scout, Twila, Eliza, Chris (winner). And for the hell of it I'll make a guess as to how the jury will vote: Chris - Lea, Chad, Twila, Scout; Eliza - Ami, Leann, Julie (but Leann and Julie are tossups).

Well that was a bunch of verbal diarrhea, wasn't it (I love parentheses)?

Ukrainian Supreme Court To Hear Election Appeal

Al Gore to schedule rant.

The court blocked the publication of official results of a Yanukovich victory until it hears Yuschenko's complaint on Monday. Outgoing President Kuchma (and several EU notables, President Kwasnieski of Poland chief among them) met with the two today.


Happy Thanksgiving!

There is much to be thankful for, today and everyday.

For this great nation and the great state of Texas in which I live, I am thankful.

For the soldiers who defend her and bleed for her and die for her, that we may live, and that millions around the world may taste freedom for the first time, I am thankful.

For a decent man and steadfast President in George W. Bush, and the ability to be thankful for him for 4 more years, I am thankful.

For a family that loves and supports me, I am thankful.

For this beautiful season of reflection and thanksgiving, for the wonderful crisp weather, for turkey and football, I am thankful.

And most of all, for a Heavenly Father who has blessed me with all these things and who sent his Son to die for me in his infinite grace, who picks me up no matter how often I fall, I am thankful.

This is probably the only post I'll make today as I'm still sick and will in all probability be on my football-and-turkey therapy for the rest of the day, so until tomorrow,

May God bless you, today and all the tomorrows he gives.


A Devious Plan to Save America

Or, 'Karl Rove, Evil Genius, Part II ' (Part I)

But first, a note from our author (that's me): Although I tend to rank Global Warming on the level of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy (if somewhat less personable and less likely to give you presents and/or money, perhaps contributing to it’s lack of personableness), at least to the degree that we have much to do with it (i.e. the earth will be spinning along merrily long after we’re gone, should it be so fortunate to escape a kamikaze comet, an exploding sun, or the wrath of God Almighty, and it’s rather arrogant to think that we in our puniness could destroy it even if we were trying, although the earth may well be committing suicide and global warming be a perfectly natural phenomenon), leaving all that aside, let us assume it to be a fact. And let us use that fact to our mutual benefit. That’s right, we can save the world by heating it up a whole hellalot faster. You might call this crazy, but I have it on good authority that the following meeting took place shortly after Arnold Schwarzenegger took over North Korea:

The scene is a dimly-lit, smoke-filled cabinet room. Colin Powell and Don Rumsfeld lean over a large map of the continental United States spread across the cabinet table, talking quietly and gesturing with their pipes. Condoleezza Rice, John Ashcroft, and the rest of the cabinet settle themselves in their seats around the table and join in the discussion. The double doors swing open and President Bush enters, dressed in a dark velvet bathrobe, followed by Vice President Cheney.

Rumsfeld stood and greeted Cheney, "Good evening Mr. President."

"Why aren’t you playing 'Hail to the Chief' on your pipes?" an irate Cheney demanded.

Startled, Colin Powell stammered, "Sir, these pipes are for smoking."

"You’ll do as I tell you! Play it!"

Rumsfeld and Powell exchanged glances and shrugged, and began humming into their pipes and choking on smoke.

"Eeeexcellent," Cheney hissed, steepling his fingers.

Feeling left out, Bush asked, "Where’s my pipe?"

"Here you go, George," Cheney replied, taking a toy pipe from his coat pocket.

"Thanks, Dick," Bush said as he happily settled into his chair at the end of the table and puffed bubbles out of his pipe.

A sinister voice emanated from behind a turned chair. "I’m sure you’re all wondering why I called you here together tonight. "

Bush choked and coughed soap bubbles out of his mouth. The chair spun around, evilly, and Karl Rove prepared to address the assembled group.

"Now that you've offed Arafat and Kim, you've finally found time to take care of that Chirac guy?" Bush asked hopefully.

"All in good time," Rove smiled, evilly. "But for now we've got another issue to think about. Just look at this map! Red states and blue states; more importantly red counties and blue counties. What to do about this situation?"

"Bomb them!" Rumsfeld yelled, pounding the table so that the Risk pieces jumped.

"That's your answer to everything, Rummy. I think we should just use the Patriot Act to put them all in prison camps," Ashcroft said, biting the head off a baby.

Rove shook his head, evilly. "That would cost too much money, building enough prisons, hiring guards, and occasionally feeding all those liberals. We can't afford it with our tax cuts for the rich. Unless we just killed them all, and you just know the media would have a field day with that."

"You act like the media won't be the first ones in the camps," Cheney observed, and the whole room laughed heartily.

"True," Rove conceded, evilly, "but I've got a better plan. Notice how most of the blue spots are on the coasts, the Great Lakes, and along river valleys like the Mississippi?"

"Yeah, so?"

"They'd be really blue if they were all under water, not just beside it."

Bush and his cabinet stared blankly.

"We'll flood them!" Rove said, exasperated (and evil). "We've done such a good job denying that whole Global Warming thing, they'll never know it's coming."

"Won't Red America be just a little concerned with the indiscriminate flooding and drowning of American citizens?" Powell queried.

"Aren't you supposed to be leaving?" Rice growled. "Anyway, it's not indiscriminate, these are clearly targeted strikes against the Lefties. And why should the rest be upset? They'll be getting beachfront property."

"Indeed," Rove said, evilly taking the exchange in stride. "And noone ever need know it wasn't an accident. President Bush can just say 'Oops, I misplaced my copy of the Kyoto treaty. I always meant to sign that, really.'"

"But like Dick said last week, Halliburton's probably too busy right now to produce enough pollution," Bush realized.

"And my boys at the Pentagon say our weather machine isn't fully operational yet," Rumsfeld noted with a touch of sadness. "We are hoping to get it ready in time for Clinton's Presidential Library opening, though," he added, and the thought seemed to cheer him some.

"Not to worry," Rove replied, an evil step ahead as always. "I've already dispatched a thousand guys with blow dryers to the polar ice caps. The extension cord lobby is happy, and soon we'll be rid of the blue menace."

"That's brilliant Karl!" Bush exclaimed.

Rove smiled. "I'm not a card-carrying Evil Genius for nothing."

"Ooh, that's a nice card. Embossed and everything. Where can I get me one of those?"


That is the real question I want answered about this whole Ukrainian election scandal:

What Would Jimmy (Carter, of course) Do?

If this: "Exit polls on election day had put Yushchenko well ahead, and U.S. and European observers said there were widespread irregularities" is what they're hanging their hat on, I hope they made sure Zogby wasn't involved. Yeah, yeah, enough of the Zogby bashing. I know he had nothing to do with the exit polling. But it's just so much fun!

I guess if Germany, Spain, and the United States can all agree something's fishy, well then it must really stink.

The bright news in all this is that Democrats have a new place to immigrate too. Apparently it's much easier to steal elections in the Ukraine.

Also, with a non-Islamic dictator to kick around, maybe the Middle Eastern world will see we're not attacking their religion, but rather guys with insufficiently Anglo names, like Hussein and Yanukovych.


Now That's Entertainment!

Although I was scared initially that they would repeat their wall-to-wall "We've had another 0.1" of rainfall in the last 3 minutes and 27 seconds" coverage, KENS 5 seems to have taken my threat seriously and only ran updates only during commercials, and thus TAR viewing goodness was not cancelled for a second straight week. And that is very good news, because there's nothing better for what ails you (in my case a sore throat, headache, and stuffed sinuses) than 20 dysfunctional idiots displaying their dysfunction on national television.

Note to self: If ever on TAR, make sure either self or team member knows how to drive stick.

Really, what were the best friends (I still don't know everyone's names yet) thinking? I don't think the title of "Only person to stall a car on every continent in the world" pays as much as wining the race. In other titular news, Jonathan and Valerie seem poised to take the title of MOST.HATED.TAR.TEAM.EVER. from the likes of Reichen and Chip, Colin and Christie, and Flo and that guy if they stick around long enough. He's an arrogant abusive ass (although not vein-popping psycho like Colin... yet... he may be even more annoying (yay alliteration!)) and she's the loudest, most obnoxious whiner since the last time I watched a reality television show. Hellboy's also mighty annoying and whiny all in one (note to self: If ever on TAR, make sure to have a better gimmick than a lame hairdo). In non-titular news, the producers seem determined to set an unbreakable mark for bunching this season, and the wrestlers look like they'll be fun.

In addition to TAR, I also caught the last half of Navy NCIS, and it was a fine show. Although not exactly parallel, it seemed to have some relevance to the recent hullabaloo over our Marine shooting their Terrorist dead. A WWII vet was accused of killing one of his buddies at Iwo Jima, but in reality he had knocked him unconscious to keep him from screaming in pain (had had his legs blown off by a landmine) - a blow that did in fact kill him. The head honcho dude used the smell of sulphur, old war movies, and the sight of an old Japanese man to do some regression therapy type stuff and extract the truth from the vet. It turns out the Japanese man was just a guy he had found working at sushi bar and had never been at Iwo Jima - he had, however, been a soldier at Guadalcanal, another battle the WWII vet had been in and been wounded in, and the two shared a realization, respect, and a drink. Great, great ending.

Like I said, not very parallel, in that this guy was accused of killing a comrade-in-arms, while today's Marine was killing the bad guy but still taking heat for it, and I doubt 50 or 60 years from now a veteran of Iraqi Freedom will ever share a drink with his terrorist opponent, or look him in the eyes with respect and maybe admiration, but both did what they had to in defense of their units.


We're Off to See the Wizard

So TBS played The Wizard of Oz tonight, whence comes today's Quote of the Day, in honor of liberals everywhere.

The full exchange (since I apparently can't put line breaks in the About box):

Scarecrow: I haven't got a brain, only straw.
Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
Scarecrow: I don't know, but some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they?
Dorothy: Yes, I guess you're right.

It was a toss up between that and the wizard's more specific attack on academia:

Wizard: Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the Earth or slinks through slimy seas has a brain. Back where I come from, we have universities, seats of great learning, where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts and with no more brains than you have. But they have one thing you haven't got: a diploma.

And maybe it's tasteless, but I always look for the hanging munchkin, but never find him. I wouldn't be surprised if he's been edited out, but it's perfectly possible I've just missed him since I've only really tried to spot it a couple times. It's not a movie I watch that often, but I enjoyed it tonight. Plus, it gave me an idea for a song parody about Michael Moore, heehee. I'll have to see if it'll work though.

Trying to come up with something else to talk about tonight, but I've not been feeling too well, it was a long boring day at work, and I'm still seeking approval for my next story before I post (when I write humor I go over each line so often that it becomes so familiar that I get paranoid that I'm inadvertantly copying someone else's work, lol).

Maybe I'll write some really bad poetry. Maybe I'll post mindless links to brilliant stories (of which there are so many now that there's not much I can add, if ever I had the slightest chance of being half so eloquent in the first place) about the disgusting abuse Condeleezza Rice is recieving from the Left in it's desperate attempt to keep African-Americans on their plantation. I am considering drawing another cartoon on the subject, but the drawing skills on display in my first comic should probably tell me to stick to talking heads.

And I just realized that if CBS rebroadcast TAR tonight I missed it again. And that is a very big loss for someone like me, who likes to try and project the winners of these shows based on the editing of the first episode. Curses.


North Korea: The Real Story

As I mentioned earlier tonight, there is speculation about a power struggle in North Korea. Shortly after reelection, President Bush and his most senior advisors sat discussing strategy, at which time the North Korea problem was addressed. I was able to obtain a tape of this session and have faithfully transcribed the relevant parts.


"We’ve got to do something about North Korea!" Bush exclaimed.

"Bomb them!" Rumsfeld yelled enthusiastically.

"But Tommy Franks is on vacation in Hawaii," Bush lamented.

"And Haliburton’s way over extended," Cheney added. "They won't be available for any more no-bid contracts for at least another six months."

"We can't wait that long. Colin, what are the chances of a peaceful solution?" Bush asked.

"Don’t look at me, I’m outta here," Powell laughed. "And good luck dealing with that psycho Kim Jong-Il. He makes Howard Dean look sane." The cabinet chuckled appreciatively.

"But what are we going to do?"

"I’ve got a plan."

"Whoa, don’t scare me like that, Karl. You’re starting to sound like John Kerry, heh heh," the President laughed.

"Good one, Mr. President," Condi crowed.

"Okay, so what’s your plan?"

The President and his cabinet listened attentively as Karl Rove laid out his North Korea strategy.

"Great idea!" they all exclaimed when he was done.

"Now I just need to make a call," Rove started. Bush handed him the phone, and he dialed the number, "Mr. Governor, we’ve got something we need you to take care of."


Kim Jong-Il kneeled by his bedside praying to himself.

"Oh Dear Reader, I so ronery since my concubine die. Prease send a suitable repracement, amen."

"You’ve got mail!" his computer announced, and he went to check excitedly, but sighed when he saw it was just another note from Donald Trump about the next meeting of the Hair Club for Really Rich Guys.

A noise from his sitting room caused him to whirl around.

"You! No!" he started.

"Hasta la vista, Baby."


"Today I am happy to announce the normalization of relations with North Korea," President Bush told the White House Press Corp in a hastily arranged briefing in the Rose Garden.

He crossed over to the other podium and shook hands with the new President of North Korea. "President Schwarzenegger and I are proud to have signed this historic peace accord. Mr. President?"

"Thank you President Bush. I am pleased that the voters have made their voices heard in this recall election and made me their leader. They said 'rat-a-tat-tat' aha haha ha. And I didn't even have to amend the constitution to do it."


Note: Now, some people say that Karl Rove not only planned but himself carried out the assassination of Kim Jong-Il. I have not been able to verify this, however, and it certainly seems to go against his in-the-shadows m.o. But do not worry, those of you who feel a mere assassination plot is not indicative enough of his full evil genius! I have more proof that should make you very happy, and I hope to bring it to you tomorrow after I finish doing some fact checking.

Something's afoot

Rumor has it that pictures of Kim Jong Il are being removed from public places in North Korea. Other sources site reported visits made by Kim to military installations near the DMZ as proof that the dictator is still sucking up air, although no dates are given (as apparently is the norm for these reports).

Pyongyang Pete, 2nd cousin twice removed of Baghdad Bob, says the rumors of the Dear Leader's demise are greatly exaggerated: "You cannot take the sun from the sky - it's impossible!"

While things do seem very sketchy, all sources agree that, if true, the missing pictures mean something BIG is happening in N. Korea. What a week this will have been - first Arafat (whose death I have been ostentatiously ignoring, as seemed appropriate to counter the lionizing of said terrorist going on), then Kim Jong-Il.

Freeper Qwinn speculates on this being the result of "negotiations" between China and the U.S. While this seems much more unlikley than an internal coup (the implications of which would not seem yet to be clearly good or bad), it's an interesting thought.

I think I know the real answer, and will be reporting on it soon (some may call discussing on such unsubstantiated rumors shoddy journalism, but I've got some documents from Kinkos, and must get them out before other blogs scoop me).

The Only Good Terrorist Is A Dead Terrorist

Hey liberals: Killing bad guys is the Marines' job. Shut up and let them do it.

I haven't really been paying much attention to this story as frankly, it doesn't concern me when a terrorist dies; it concerns me if they don't. I hope, when asked on trial why he shot the man 36 times, he gives the punchline "ran out of bullets," because this is a joke.

But, I don't take issue so much with the reporter taping the incident, as I've heard some talk radio hosts inflamed about. I think it's a valid news story, despite the certainly negative spin it's getting and will get on the Arab street. And maybe (I'd put the chances at about 0.000000000000001%, but just maybe), the Marine shouldn't have done it, in which case there should be consequences, and that's fair enough to talk about in a measured way. But to immediately blame the Marine first, when the overwhelming evidence and simple common sense says he did the prudent thing, is deplorable.

What's more telling, and more disgusting, is the opportunity it gives the Left to display their glaring hypocrisy. Like every other issue, they set things up so they can blame President Bush, the troops, or the war effort, no matter which outcome eventuates. Truly, aren't their talking points completely predictable?

Marine kills terrorist: How could you, you war criminal!?!?! It just shows Bush is a terrorist and leading us in an unjust war!!!

Marine doesn't kill terrorist; gets blown up by booby trap: It's all Bush's fault for getting our troops killed!!

I do like the saying "Liberals aren't the enemy, they're the entertainment," but sometimes, liberals cease to be amusing and become decidedly tiresome. I'd like to get back to the days when liberals were just a nuisance, but maybe that's just me.

I thought that's what the weather channel was for


So after I get all excited about the 2-hour TAR premier last night, Mother Nature decides to pre-empt it. She also cancelled my planned trip. So here I am, and here you are, stuck with me.

Really, do we need wall-to-wall coverage of frelling water? And isn't it just adding insult to injury to come up with the brilliant plan to return to regularly scheduled programming with weather updates during commercials until after over half the show has finished?

The FCC will be hearing from me, KENS 5, oh yes it will.


The Amazing Race 6

Premiers tonight! Check your local listings.

I guess it's time to admit my secret shame - I'm a reality TV junkie. Which you may have found out sooner had I finished rewriting the Jade Monkey Mission Statement sooner, which I haven't. Not all reality TV though - I can't stand those dating shows, or any of that crap on MTV (reality or not-reality). But TAR, Survivor (although I haven't been into this season quite as much, it's infinitely better than the steaming pile of dog poo that was Survivor: All Stars), and some others (love the briliant parody of Spike TV's Joe Schmo, and I also loved SciFi's Mad Mad House). I haven't been over to my usual home, Survivor Blows (one of the derivitives of RealityTVWorld, but SB is the part that drew me there, and the door I still come through), in like a month, so I'm not current on this new season, but I hope to be getting back there very soon, and if you at all like reality TV, I suggest you take a look - it's the best place on the web for it.

I've also written about a dozen hopefully funny episode summaries for various shows (including 4 for the aforementioned MMH, 1 for both seasons of Schmo, 1 for S7 and 1 for TAR5), and whenever I end my semi-retirement from Official Sumary writing, you'll probably see any work I contribute over there here, too (although they're rather long for blogging, so probably just a link).

Hope that wasn't too inarticulate, but I'm rushing to sign off as it's stormy about. Hopefully I'll be making one more post later tonight (maybe 2, if I decide to review TAR), but after that I'll probably be offline until Friday, as I intend to make a visit to my grandmother and a couple of my college roomies.


Pushing Them Against the Anvil

So says Col. Michael Formica, in a somewhat rambling AP article on yahoo.

(Started writing this post a couple days ago, and although I still want to acknowledge it, it's already fast becoming dated, so I'll keep it pretty short).

Fallujah is under coalition control, though some fighting remains to be done. Although some of the leaders escaped before we dropped the hammer, the effect seems to be the same as what we've been doing in the broader War on Terror - destroying their safe havens and keeping them on the run. Eventually they'll run out of room and time entirely.

The score is: Good Guys 1000, Bad Guys 24.

A 40-1 ratio doesn't seem too bad at all for door-to-door urban warfare. And if the estimated number of insurgents is close to accurate, we're making a sizeable dent. Keep killing 'em faster than they can replace 'em guys.

While I think the "whack-a-mole" analogy I heard from a pundit (on PBS, I believe, though I can't recall who said it) is fairly apt, and I don't mean at all to discount the smaller attacks in Mosul and elsewhere, I'm not going to make those the focus of the story, as some in the media like to do, in keeping with their "Sky is Falling" reporting. The fact seems to be (as it always has been), that the terrorists are losing, and things are looking up for a peaceful future for Iraq.

EDIT to change the timestamp - originally got published on 11/13, after my "Thank You Veterans" post, the date and time I first saved the draft. Now it's changed to the place at which I actually posted it. Maybe the other is better for chronology and intent, but it buries a newer post, so this maybe is more coherent. And maybe I'll change it back later, I dunno. :P

I sense more media bias ;-)

This one's a real article, I swear! From page 26A in yesterday's San Antonio Express-News:

Boozing elephants rampage in India
(by Wasbir Hussain, Associated Press)

GAUHATI, India -- Wild elephant herds have been terrorizing this nation's northeast, killing people, flattening houses, and even guzzling local rice beer supplies.

Yeah, right. We all know it's the Democrats that resort to violence. I demand equal time next week, a story about drunken donkeys kicking Brazilians in the head and leading to nationwide shortages of white wine spritzers.

Villagers have retaliated against the pachyderms with firecrackers and bonfires.

Wait, firecrackers? Might as well counterattack a howitzer with a squirt gun, as was famously said about John Edwards' drubbing at the hands of Dick Cheney. Maybe you should try mice.


Since it's probably verboten to copy an entire article; I'll skip to the end. Also, I hear snipping can make animals less aggressive. Maybe you should try that, too. Although I don't know if that tends to make them more or less alcoholic. And I don't know how one would go about selling an elephant on the benefits of neutering. Where's Bob Barker when you really need him?

A government ban on capturing elephants and restrictions on sending them to other states has aggravated Assam's problem.

How do you catch a pink elephant? Hah, I kid, but in all seriousness, now we see their plan for electoral victory - forced relocation of elephants to states where their numbers don't give them an advantage!

(ETA: Goal of 3 posts reached, and I've still got at least one more in me! And the people rejoiced!)

The Yolk's on Carville

Powerline has an amusing photo of alien Democrat talking-head James Carville doing penance for incorrect prognostication. In all fairness, though, he probably got his tip from Zogby, and it's doubtful you'll ever see him with literal egg on his face, no matter how deserved.

Say what you will about the Ragin' Cajun, but for my money he's damn entertaining, no matter his politics. You're alright with me, Jim.

Carville also gets a nod for being one of the most honest Dems in assessing his party's failures.

I'll start the sidebet: In 2000 it was a trash can; in 2004 it was an egg; what will be on Carville's head in 2008???

I Heart Condi

Powell out, Rice in at State, woohoo! (ABC News via Drudge)

Condi in '08!!! (although never having held elected office, she may have to be put in the Veep slot fisrt...)

I never thought Bush would replace Cheney on the ticket in '04, although speculation was rampant, and I don't really expect Cheney to leave mid-term, though that always was more likely than the former in my opinion, but bumping Rice up again to VP would be big. Don't know if so much moving around (both for her personally or for the positions and departments they head) is necessarily a good thing, or a likely one, but I'd still like to see it (but only if Cheney wants to leave - he's a tremendous VP). It would also set her up as the heir-apparent despite the elected office qualifier.

I've largely been avoiding any speculation on the ticket for the next election, as so much can happen and so many people make (or ruin) names for themselves in 4 years, but I would love to see her on the ticket. I've also heard good things about Gov. Owens of Colorado, and I like J.C. Watts, the former congressman from Oklahoma. That's my short list for the moment, I suppose, though I'm sure there are many qualified candidates (and much moreso for the Republicans than the Democrats!) Playing it regionally, a popular politician from a swing state (Ohio or Pennsylvania, especially, but Owens' lock on Colorado is not insignificant) would be wise.

Fear Not, My Hypothetical Readers!

I am alive! I know you were waiting with bated breath for the latest Jade Monkey update, and it is with my utmost apologies that I promise you no less than THREE (3) new posts today! (or maybe two, we'll see, but, uh, really, I'm shooting for three. Yes, they will probably be terribly unexciting, but it's quantity, not quality, right? Right? Oh, crap).


Thank You, Veterans

Thank you, and God bless.

Today's quote says it all. Perhaps I will find something more to add later today, but for now more words just seem superfluous. Do something nice to show your appreciation for a veteran today if you get the chance.

(Since this post won't make any sense after the quote changes, here it is: "Gratitude is one of the least articulate of emotions, especially when it is deep." ~ Felix Frankfurter)


Quotes of the Day

You will have noticed the new feature of this blog, being the "Quote of the Day" in the title bar, which I will continue for as long as I find it interesting or amusing. Technically I guess it should be "Quote of the Day, or Two, or Until I Finally Decide to Change It" since I may not have time to choose a new quote every day, or may just really like a quote so much that I feel it deserves to stick around a little longer (such as this G.K. Chesterton quote, which is one of my favorites).

I may eventually compile a list of all the quotes I've used (maybe I'll just edit them into this post). Occasionally I may use a past or present quote as a prompt for a post.

Today's quote, from Chesterton, is:

The object of opening the mind, as of opening the mouth, is to close it again on something solid.

My commentary on this for now will simply consist of my 2 corollaries:

1. An open mind is a broken mind. (or at least the perpetually open ones, but that's not as pithy), and

2. Most open minds, like most open mouths, only catch flies.

Specter, Part Deux

What I hope from this whole mess, and what I think would be the best of both worlds, is for the pressure on Specter to have cowed any rebellious impulses he may have, and galvanized the Republican leadership around him. By sticking with him, they may be able to call in some favors (i.e. "play along, Arlen") from him, and even his tacit support may weaken the spine of moderate Democrats to filibuster ("if he's o.k. with Arlen..."). Maybe that's too much to hope for, but I fear the hope that the feel-good get-Arlen sentiment won't backfire, in a big way, is much less likley to be realized. Simple Cost-Benefit Analysis should say this battle isn't worth it.

So the question now is, even though I am not happy with Specter as Judiciary Chairman, should I, and those of likemind, follow the lead of the anti-Arlenites, and actually pick up the phone and call Frist and the other Republican Senators in support of Snarlin' Arlen? Are others already doing so? Has the furor died down enough not to worry, or is it still strong enough that this reckless course might still be pursued and so, should we take the anti-anti-Specter campaign from our keyboards to our cell phones?

EDIT: Stones Cry Out has Your Portal to the Specter Debate. Good stuff. (edit again because the link didn't work, so now I'm linking just to the main page, not the specific post)


Lesson of the Day (9 November)

- Always bring backup.

That way, if, hypothetically, your internet decides to stop working, you can take it down in retribution for the post it killed.

Coming soon: Jade Monkey Mission Statement, or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

Good night you silent masses!


Arlen the Friendly Ghost?

So. The internet is in an uproar. My fellow pro-life conservatives, led by NRO's The Corner and Free Republic, are vehemently opposing the ascension of Arlen Specter (R-PA) to the chair of the Senate's Judiciary Committee.

While I share their concerns, I can't help but feel this is a no-win proposition. If Specter has the least bit of faith to President Bush and the junior senator from his state, Rick Santorum, who vigorously endorsed him against the momentum-gaining campaign of the more conservative Pat Toomey, he will not block the President's judicial nominations. And if he's not faithful, such an attack to deny him the chair will hardly make him more so. Moreover, it will be just what the media is looking for to attack us: the ghost of "poor Arlen Specter," a moderate those intolerant right-wingers ran out of the party. No, we're the Big Tent party because we can tolerate differing viewpoints, unlike the Democrats. Revival is great, but you can't convert anyone if you don't get them into the Tent.

I don't feel like I need to expound much on this. Basically I agree with my good friend Hugh Hewitt. (Okay, so he's not really my good friend, but I'm sure we'd get along smashingly if we ever met, and if name-dropping's good enough for John Kerry...)

Maybe tomorrow I'll get around to some non-political posting, since that's not the entire intent of this blog, but rather to answer all of life's deep questions ;-)

Fear, Relief, As Run For The Border Threats Go Unrealized

Spokesperson for Taco Bell Unavailable for Comment Regarding Possible Copyright Infringement Lawsuit

MEXCIO CITY (AP) – Renowned pollster John Zogby set off continent-wide panic yesterday morning when he revealed the results of polls taken over the weekend showing millions of disaffected Liberal-Americans planned on moving to Mexico.

"Fifty-four million people voted for John Kerry," Zogby explained, "and there are many ways people are coping with the loss. My survey indicates that 2.3%, or about 1.2 million, are contemplating moving out of the country. Suicide is the preferred reaction of 3.6% of those polled, while 18.2% plan on killing someone else, or maybe a stray dog."

Among the projected 1.2 million refugees, one will find people of all stripes, from the famous to the unknown. Los Angeles, California, native John Robinson, a 36-year old Kerry voter, said he didn’t know what he would do during a conference call at his office shortly before lunch, but that a "run for the border" was not out of the question.

Hollywood star Cameron Diaz, dressed in black, expressed her feelings about the election. "Like, you know, I feel like someone’s died. This is the worst thing ever, since I had a pimple at my high school prom. My last name is Diaz, so I’m sure the Mexican people would, like, totally welcome me."

Mexican President Vicente Fox and his advisors were apparently caught unprepared by the news, and scrambled to address the situation. Said Fox, through a spokesman, "That Bush is sneaky like a fox! Here we’ve been laughing at the Americans’ inability to control illegal immigration, and they turn it around on us! Aye carumba!"

Some Mexican officials noted privately that they hoped the new workers would offset the enormous emigration problem the nation faces, but at least one source close to Fox, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed concern, saying, "We don’t need those hippy losers down here complaining about minimum wage."

The confusion at the halls of government in the United States’ southern neighbor was short lived, though. A correction was issued later that afternoon saying that the majority of those planning an exodus from the U.S. intended to move to Canada instead. Zogby blamed the error on faulty weighting by party and too-vague questions in his exit poll.

Upon hearing that the polls had gotten it wrong, and that the American hordes were headed north, not south, Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin is reported to have said, "Oh, crap, eh."


Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics...

Or, to put it another way: Michael Moore, Dan Rather, and John Kerry.

This is the best week of my life, and the numbers don't lie. A majority (51.5%, or 59.5+ million) of the American people chose to give Bush four more years. As innumerable pro-Bush post-mortems of this historic election have noted, this made Bush the first presidential candidate to receive a simple majority of the vote since his father did it in 1988, and the winner of the greatest vote total in terms of sheer numbers ever. True, the largest population ever has a great deal to do with that, but it is impressive in its own way nonetheless. And a 3.5+ million vote gap is certainly noteworthy.

The Republicans took over 6 Democrat-controlled Senate seats, for a net gain of +4, giving them a functional majority in the upper chamber of Congress with 55, and this is perhaps the clearest evidence for a mandate (the Word of the Day among the punditocracy) for the President, given that the biggest casualty was incumbent Democrat Obstructionist-in-Chief, Tom Daschle. While this doesn't give the GOP the 60 votes necessary to break a filibuster, in what now seems sadly to be standard operating procedure for the Dems, it does take out the Biggest Obstacle to Progress (in honor of the imminent passing of Yasser Arafat), and should scare enough vulnerable Dems into a bit more cooperation.

But back to the point of this piece, hinted at by the title. All the numbers aside, the most remarkable thing about this election is that Bush was reelected at all, given the unprecedented campaign of lies, hatred, and demonization from the Left. The election, thankfully, is now over, so I don't feel compelled to itemize all the objectionable things about the Kerry campaign. You will already have read them elsewhere, or instinctively known them all along, if you were paying attention or at all inclined toward the Truth. No, I won't mention Kerry's arrogant dismissal of our many allies while he courted the few resistors, that Oil-for-Food stained body of the U.N. and it's chief organs, France and Germany (the waste of time in trying to gather whose support (in the President's "unilateral" "rush" to war) allowed Saddam to hide and move his weapons, which lack of these self-same bodies and their supporters now condemn the President for. If anything, Bush didn't rush unilaterally into war fast enough). I won't mention his irreconcilable statements, merely minutes apart in one debate of "I have only had one position of Iraq, and that is that Saddam Hussein was a threat," and "Instead, the President chose to attack Iraq, which posed no threat." I won't mention his incredibly short-sighted views that we should wait until after Iran demonstrated bad faith in his provision of nuclear fuel, or a problem arose in Social Security, before he addressed it. I won't mention his party's congenital need to wage class- and race- warfare, to scare seniors about Medicare or the youth about a draft, or his running mate's disgusting promises that they would make the lame walk, the blind see, and the dead vote (well, one out of three isn't bad). I only mean to note with great satisfaction - to gloat, if you will - the incredible failure of the leftist hate-machine.

Leftist stormtroopers vandalized Bush-Cheney headquarters around the country, threatened (in some cases following through) their workers with bodily harm, damaged cars whose owners dared deface them with Bush bumper stickers, and stole yard signs or painted swastikas on them. They compared a President whose amazing vision sees a democratic and peaceful middle east with Hitler, and would not in this or in any other thing let facts interfere with their arguments.

The insanity of the Left, already worked to a fevered pitch by their frenzied imaginations of a stolen election in 2000 (no matter how many recounts proved otherwise), gobbled up Fahrenheit 9/11 with the insatiability of Michael Moore gobbling up cheeseburgers. Hundreds of millions of dollars were pumped into hate-filled screeds by extra-legal 527 groups. Already substantial vote fraud and dirty campaigning (DUI charges the weekend before the election, anybody?) weren't enough this time. A drive for new voters, even if they weren't legal or living, or were already registered (2 or 10 times, who's counting?) commenced almost as soon as the 4-year smear campaign by the Democrats and the Old Media.

Good economic news was ignored. Deaths in Iraq were front page news (despite the fact that the total, while lamentable, with any sense of perspective was quite small, and was nowhere near as deplorable as the impending climax of the media's orgy as #1000 approached), and all the good that was going on, all the thankful Iraqis (many with new babies named George) smothered. But sin by omission wasn't enough, either. CBS News and the New York Times decided to fabricate stories out of whole cloth. The forged documents of Rathergate and the particulars of explosivegate are well known, and I don't need to rehash them here. They continued until election day, with the release of fraudulent exit polls and the refusal to call enough states to give Bush 270 electoral votes and the well-earned victory party he was denied four years earlier, calling states like Pennsylvania much earlier than they called Ohio, although Bush had a larger lead in the latter than Kerry had in the former.

Heed me now, Old Media: your day is over. The American people have repudiated your slanted journalism. Your hostility to the Truth will no longer be tolerated; there is an ever-vigilant group of watchdogs keeping their eyes on you. Heed me now, Socio-facists of the Left: your day is over, too. Your hatred, hypocrisy, and simple-minded condescension will be rebuffed at the voting booth. The tyranny of activist judges will be overthrown. The lies of the Michael Moores and the Dan Rathers of the world were not believed, and John Kerry, that most pathetic nominee of a major party for President in history, is now a forgettable statistic. Love has triumphed over hate.

As one no-less esteemed source than Master Yoda once said: "Hate leads to suffering." And so you suffer, liberals, and I grin from ear to ear. (This isn't hate, if you were wondering, this is schadenfreude).


Funny pages and/or farm, here I come!

Here is a political cartoon I drew several weeks ago, and am finally attempting to post as the true beginning of my blog. Of course, now I fully expect rabid leftists to burn my blog, paint swastikas on it, break it's windows and/or arms, call it racist, and comment on it multiple times under the names 'Dick Tracy', 'Mickey Mouse', and 'Osama Bin Laden'. Such is the price we pay for art.