The Jade Monkey

I didn't have a superiority complex until inferior people gave me one.

Location: San Antonio, Texas, United States


A Devious Plan to Save America

Or, 'Karl Rove, Evil Genius, Part II ' (Part I)

But first, a note from our author (that's me): Although I tend to rank Global Warming on the level of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy (if somewhat less personable and less likely to give you presents and/or money, perhaps contributing to it’s lack of personableness), at least to the degree that we have much to do with it (i.e. the earth will be spinning along merrily long after we’re gone, should it be so fortunate to escape a kamikaze comet, an exploding sun, or the wrath of God Almighty, and it’s rather arrogant to think that we in our puniness could destroy it even if we were trying, although the earth may well be committing suicide and global warming be a perfectly natural phenomenon), leaving all that aside, let us assume it to be a fact. And let us use that fact to our mutual benefit. That’s right, we can save the world by heating it up a whole hellalot faster. You might call this crazy, but I have it on good authority that the following meeting took place shortly after Arnold Schwarzenegger took over North Korea:

The scene is a dimly-lit, smoke-filled cabinet room. Colin Powell and Don Rumsfeld lean over a large map of the continental United States spread across the cabinet table, talking quietly and gesturing with their pipes. Condoleezza Rice, John Ashcroft, and the rest of the cabinet settle themselves in their seats around the table and join in the discussion. The double doors swing open and President Bush enters, dressed in a dark velvet bathrobe, followed by Vice President Cheney.

Rumsfeld stood and greeted Cheney, "Good evening Mr. President."

"Why aren’t you playing 'Hail to the Chief' on your pipes?" an irate Cheney demanded.

Startled, Colin Powell stammered, "Sir, these pipes are for smoking."

"You’ll do as I tell you! Play it!"

Rumsfeld and Powell exchanged glances and shrugged, and began humming into their pipes and choking on smoke.

"Eeeexcellent," Cheney hissed, steepling his fingers.

Feeling left out, Bush asked, "Where’s my pipe?"

"Here you go, George," Cheney replied, taking a toy pipe from his coat pocket.

"Thanks, Dick," Bush said as he happily settled into his chair at the end of the table and puffed bubbles out of his pipe.

A sinister voice emanated from behind a turned chair. "I’m sure you’re all wondering why I called you here together tonight. "

Bush choked and coughed soap bubbles out of his mouth. The chair spun around, evilly, and Karl Rove prepared to address the assembled group.

"Now that you've offed Arafat and Kim, you've finally found time to take care of that Chirac guy?" Bush asked hopefully.

"All in good time," Rove smiled, evilly. "But for now we've got another issue to think about. Just look at this map! Red states and blue states; more importantly red counties and blue counties. What to do about this situation?"

"Bomb them!" Rumsfeld yelled, pounding the table so that the Risk pieces jumped.

"That's your answer to everything, Rummy. I think we should just use the Patriot Act to put them all in prison camps," Ashcroft said, biting the head off a baby.

Rove shook his head, evilly. "That would cost too much money, building enough prisons, hiring guards, and occasionally feeding all those liberals. We can't afford it with our tax cuts for the rich. Unless we just killed them all, and you just know the media would have a field day with that."

"You act like the media won't be the first ones in the camps," Cheney observed, and the whole room laughed heartily.

"True," Rove conceded, evilly, "but I've got a better plan. Notice how most of the blue spots are on the coasts, the Great Lakes, and along river valleys like the Mississippi?"

"Yeah, so?"

"They'd be really blue if they were all under water, not just beside it."

Bush and his cabinet stared blankly.

"We'll flood them!" Rove said, exasperated (and evil). "We've done such a good job denying that whole Global Warming thing, they'll never know it's coming."

"Won't Red America be just a little concerned with the indiscriminate flooding and drowning of American citizens?" Powell queried.

"Aren't you supposed to be leaving?" Rice growled. "Anyway, it's not indiscriminate, these are clearly targeted strikes against the Lefties. And why should the rest be upset? They'll be getting beachfront property."

"Indeed," Rove said, evilly taking the exchange in stride. "And noone ever need know it wasn't an accident. President Bush can just say 'Oops, I misplaced my copy of the Kyoto treaty. I always meant to sign that, really.'"

"But like Dick said last week, Halliburton's probably too busy right now to produce enough pollution," Bush realized.

"And my boys at the Pentagon say our weather machine isn't fully operational yet," Rumsfeld noted with a touch of sadness. "We are hoping to get it ready in time for Clinton's Presidential Library opening, though," he added, and the thought seemed to cheer him some.

"Not to worry," Rove replied, an evil step ahead as always. "I've already dispatched a thousand guys with blow dryers to the polar ice caps. The extension cord lobby is happy, and soon we'll be rid of the blue menace."

"That's brilliant Karl!" Bush exclaimed.

Rove smiled. "I'm not a card-carrying Evil Genius for nothing."

"Ooh, that's a nice card. Embossed and everything. Where can I get me one of those?"


Blogger guest said...

I tried to make sure I hadn't inadvertantly stolen any ideas here from Frank J. over at IMAO (your one-stop shop for political funny) but he didn't reply, sadly. So I'm posting it anyway, bwahaha Frank! But I'm still plugging you and paying homage to your superior comedic stylings. I think it's a fair compromise. Go read his IMW's and weep at the mundanity (I looked it up on - it is in fact a real noun form of mundane) of your own world!

The next episode in the Chronicles of Karl Rove, Evil Genius may involve the elections in Ukraine, but I think I spent all my funny in my WWJD? post, so maybe not.

8:00 PM  

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