The Jade Monkey

I didn't have a superiority complex until inferior people gave me one.

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Location: San Antonio, Texas, United States

11.08.2004

Fear, Relief, As Run For The Border Threats Go Unrealized

Spokesperson for Taco Bell Unavailable for Comment Regarding Possible Copyright Infringement Lawsuit

MEXCIO CITY (AP) – Renowned pollster John Zogby set off continent-wide panic yesterday morning when he revealed the results of polls taken over the weekend showing millions of disaffected Liberal-Americans planned on moving to Mexico.

"Fifty-four million people voted for John Kerry," Zogby explained, "and there are many ways people are coping with the loss. My survey indicates that 2.3%, or about 1.2 million, are contemplating moving out of the country. Suicide is the preferred reaction of 3.6% of those polled, while 18.2% plan on killing someone else, or maybe a stray dog."

Among the projected 1.2 million refugees, one will find people of all stripes, from the famous to the unknown. Los Angeles, California, native John Robinson, a 36-year old Kerry voter, said he didn’t know what he would do during a conference call at his office shortly before lunch, but that a "run for the border" was not out of the question.

Hollywood star Cameron Diaz, dressed in black, expressed her feelings about the election. "Like, you know, I feel like someone’s died. This is the worst thing ever, since I had a pimple at my high school prom. My last name is Diaz, so I’m sure the Mexican people would, like, totally welcome me."

Mexican President Vicente Fox and his advisors were apparently caught unprepared by the news, and scrambled to address the situation. Said Fox, through a spokesman, "That Bush is sneaky like a fox! Here we’ve been laughing at the Americans’ inability to control illegal immigration, and they turn it around on us! Aye carumba!"

Some Mexican officials noted privately that they hoped the new workers would offset the enormous emigration problem the nation faces, but at least one source close to Fox, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed concern, saying, "We don’t need those hippy losers down here complaining about minimum wage."

The confusion at the halls of government in the United States’ southern neighbor was short lived, though. A correction was issued later that afternoon saying that the majority of those planning an exodus from the U.S. intended to move to Canada instead. Zogby blamed the error on faulty weighting by party and too-vague questions in his exit poll.

Upon hearing that the polls had gotten it wrong, and that the American hordes were headed north, not south, Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin is reported to have said, "Oh, crap, eh."

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