The Jade Monkey

I didn't have a superiority complex until inferior people gave me one.

Location: San Antonio, Texas, United States


North Korea: The Real Story

As I mentioned earlier tonight, there is speculation about a power struggle in North Korea. Shortly after reelection, President Bush and his most senior advisors sat discussing strategy, at which time the North Korea problem was addressed. I was able to obtain a tape of this session and have faithfully transcribed the relevant parts.


"We’ve got to do something about North Korea!" Bush exclaimed.

"Bomb them!" Rumsfeld yelled enthusiastically.

"But Tommy Franks is on vacation in Hawaii," Bush lamented.

"And Haliburton’s way over extended," Cheney added. "They won't be available for any more no-bid contracts for at least another six months."

"We can't wait that long. Colin, what are the chances of a peaceful solution?" Bush asked.

"Don’t look at me, I’m outta here," Powell laughed. "And good luck dealing with that psycho Kim Jong-Il. He makes Howard Dean look sane." The cabinet chuckled appreciatively.

"But what are we going to do?"

"I’ve got a plan."

"Whoa, don’t scare me like that, Karl. You’re starting to sound like John Kerry, heh heh," the President laughed.

"Good one, Mr. President," Condi crowed.

"Okay, so what’s your plan?"

The President and his cabinet listened attentively as Karl Rove laid out his North Korea strategy.

"Great idea!" they all exclaimed when he was done.

"Now I just need to make a call," Rove started. Bush handed him the phone, and he dialed the number, "Mr. Governor, we’ve got something we need you to take care of."


Kim Jong-Il kneeled by his bedside praying to himself.

"Oh Dear Reader, I so ronery since my concubine die. Prease send a suitable repracement, amen."

"You’ve got mail!" his computer announced, and he went to check excitedly, but sighed when he saw it was just another note from Donald Trump about the next meeting of the Hair Club for Really Rich Guys.

A noise from his sitting room caused him to whirl around.

"You! No!" he started.

"Hasta la vista, Baby."


"Today I am happy to announce the normalization of relations with North Korea," President Bush told the White House Press Corp in a hastily arranged briefing in the Rose Garden.

He crossed over to the other podium and shook hands with the new President of North Korea. "President Schwarzenegger and I are proud to have signed this historic peace accord. Mr. President?"

"Thank you President Bush. I am pleased that the voters have made their voices heard in this recall election and made me their leader. They said 'rat-a-tat-tat' aha haha ha. And I didn't even have to amend the constitution to do it."


Note: Now, some people say that Karl Rove not only planned but himself carried out the assassination of Kim Jong-Il. I have not been able to verify this, however, and it certainly seems to go against his in-the-shadows m.o. But do not worry, those of you who feel a mere assassination plot is not indicative enough of his full evil genius! I have more proof that should make you very happy, and I hope to bring it to you tomorrow after I finish doing some fact checking.


Post a Comment

<< Home