The Jade Monkey

I didn't have a superiority complex until inferior people gave me one.

Location: San Antonio, Texas, United States


Democrats "Duck and Cover" As Republicans Go Nuclear

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - An anticipated showdown on judicial filibusters took a strange twist Tuesday morning when Democrats, harkening back to schoolday videos instructing them on the proper safety procedures to employ in case of nuclear attack, made an unexpected move.

When Democrats refused to grant cloture on the debate of Priscilla Owen, Majority Leader Bill Frist of Tenessee asked for a clarification of Senate rules from Vice President Dick Cheney, the Senate's presiding officer. But before Cheney could reply, Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia, still wrapped in his bedsheet, rushed the floor and declared that "Red Amerika is dropping the bomb! Duck and cover!"

Bewildered Republicans watched as forty-plus Democrats went diving under their desks for protection, then shrugged and went about confirming Justice Owen's nomination.

Senator Chuck Schumer of New York condemned the confirmation, exclaiming, "Radical right wing Chrisian extremist fundamentalist nutjob morons that can't realize we're not attacking people of faith want little children and puppies to die of the radiation poisoning Republicans have caused today! This is the danger people like Priscilla Owen represent!"

Senator Barbara Boxer of California, speaking at the same press conference, demanded a recount of the votes of the Senators from Ohio.

Vietnam veteran John Kerry, explaining his opposition, said, "President Bush has done nothing to contain the nuclear material in the United States Senate - nothing! Is it any wonder Republican terrorists have gotten ahold of it and perpetrated this attack? I'm against the nuclear option. So against it that -- you may not know this, but I served in Vietnam -- when President Nixon gave us orders to drop the bomb in 1968, I indiscriminately slaughtered women and children that stood in my way to keep that from happening. I even got a blister from squeezing the trigger, and got a Purple Heart."

Laments over the fallout by Democrats may have been exaggerated, however, as after HAZMAT teams had cleared the area, the only real incident was that the jaws of life were required to remove Kerry's Massachusetts colleague, Senator Tedward Kennedy, from under his desk where he had gotten wedged after an accident resulting from heavy drinking ("the best thing for a hangover" the groggy Senator had slurred after rolling out of one of the cots set up in the Strom Thurmond room in the Senate house this morning).


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